The Corpulent Vampire-Coming to America

Once upon a time in a land far in the North Woods lived a vampire. He was a handsome fellow and turned the heads of fair women everywhere. Well, he turned them so he could bite their neck and drink their hot blood as vampires will. But he was not always this way…

The ex-royal family had settled in the North Woods centuries ago and lived a quiet, unobtrusive life after fleeing the court in scandal. One of the current Count’s great to the “nth” grandfather had been discovered in flagrante with the Queen and lost his honor along with his head (and one other body part). The disgraced survivors were given a rundown castle and gladly accepted it and made a quick escape.

As the years passed, the family wed into the local aristocracy and grew to a healthy number. Some intermarried and spawned tall offspring who were, well, hairy and had a tendency to be quite heavy. One cold winter the youngest member of the clan went out to seek his fame and fortune. Instead he encountered a lovely lady who seduced him, bit his throat and inducted him into her group of immortals who wandered the world in search of fresh food. The Count, Byron, knew he could never return home so he became like a gust of wind forever whirling and never settling anywhere.

Time passed and Byron became content with his state of affairs. He became a connoisseur of his craft. He learned the blood of the Italian tasted different than the Irish or Chinese and he never developed a taste for the thin blood of the British. Byron never fed now but dined, choosing his victims cautiously after observing them closely. After all, he had forever. Time was not an issue for him. Technology evolved as well and Byron grew adept in knowledge of the computer and internet. He searched out locations and restaurants highly esteemed and given accolades for excellence in taste. He laid in wait for the patrons to leave then followed them home and after they slept he would silently enter and drink deeply of the rich thick blood. He grew to savor the different flavors and sometimes even grew a bit intoxicated from the alcohol content. Byron knew which variety of garlic was used in the sauces and if the beef was grain fed or not. He became a bit of a food snob and was consulted by vampires the world over for referrals to great dining establishments.

Byron grew bored and moved on to new and less cultured locales. After coming to America, Byron had his first taste of fast food, became addicted and nothing would satisfy like a Big Mac. He could smell the “"two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun" in a human from miles away. When he got hold of a McDonald's person, Byron always supersized. Life was good in this country of excess and he quickly learned how to take advantage of the American dream. He looked for portly people who liked fries and apple pies.

However there was a price to pay. Byron, now Count of nothing, grew corpulent and complacent. He was not one of the jet set Vamp Elite who danced and exercised to reduce the fat that today’s high calorie blood contained. Pilates and Zumba did not interest him in the least and anything aerobic drove him to distraction. He preferred to lounge with a chilled glass of New York red at hand. His daytime hours were spent in an old bank he had purchased and his bedroom was in the vault. He read for hours to pass the time until darkness fell. Popular vampire novels were devoured with amused indignation and snorts of laughter. He loved television and movies and grew quite fond of Barnabas Collins of TV fame. As Byron’s ennui increased so did his girth.

His appearance began to suffer and his cheeks were bloated and his thighs rubbed together when he chased a victim. Sleek vampire friends offered counsel but he refused to follow their advice to change his diet. They all loved the Hollywood look and blended in with the crowd at nightclubs, bars and music concerts. They could sneak a bite or two and be thought kinky and risqué and would only imbibe low fat blood. Several became anorexic and would often ask “Does this make my butt look fat?” and refuse to swallow. It was like a wine tasting and they would savor and spit. It disgusted Byron and he refused to participate and ran when they staged a filmed Intervention.

It eventually grew harder for Byron to squeeze through open windows and unlocked back doors. Contrary to public opinion, vampires do not materialize into smoke and drift in through screens and under thresholds. He began knocking on doors and creating stories to gain entrance. In America, that was often unsuccessful and he had doors slammed in his face and the cops were called more than once. A burly guy in the Bronx came out with a baseball bat and Byron had to flee for fear of being exposed. After huffing and puffing for several blocks he finally made his escape.

He came to accept that it was time to change. So Byron avoided all his favorite haunts and hung out in a vegan commune where the blood tasted like tofu so he wasn’t tempted to overindulge. No one there in drank liquor of any kind and wine was never on the menu. Bean sprouts abounded and sesame seeds were scattered over every surface. Raw foods were IN and proteins were treated like the plague. Everywhere Byron looked, the wiry throats looked leathery and lean. His revulsion hastened his weight loss while he dreamed of cheesy sliders and milk shakes causing their arteries to clog and bulge, just begging to be bitten and savored.

After several years of commune living, he was back to his old slender self and decided to depart for provinces unknown to his American counterparts. Byron knew he would begin using carbs again if he stayed here where the burger was king. He returned to his beloved North Woods where the family was still held in great esteem. Occasionally, Byron brings a young lady to stay a while in his decrepit, crumbling castle and when she leaves she has no memory of what transpired there. During his time in California, the Count learned the fine art of hypnotism.

But mostly, he orders two percent blood online from sources that ask no questions and tell many lies. It is a partnership that works for now. Perhaps one day Byron will once again fall off the wagon and journey back to America where a man can consume an entire cow if he wants. Byron has satellite TV now and he has been watching a show called Man vs Food. That Adam Richman has a fine fat looking throat…..

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